Oh parenting advice, we have all been there, locked into a dreadful conversation with a childless friend or relative too old to remember what it was like to have kids. The wonderful unsolicited pregnancy and/or parenting advice talk. Generally this happens at awkward events like holidays and showers. Some of it you have already heard 100 times and as the words are slipping out of their mouths so non-nonchalantly, you are cringing, fist tightening and all you want to do it slap them!
Here is the shit that people said that grinds my gears:
Pregnancy: Get all your sleeping in now because you won’t when you have kids.
WTF are you saying? You know I can’t actually sleep more, even if I could, how would that matter. You’re dumb. Even though you meant it as a joke. You think its funny? I don’t, especially after the fifth time hearing it. SLAP!
Don’t let your baby suck their thumb, their teeth will be crooked.
First of all, what teeth. There isn’t any in there right now. If it keeps them calm instead of freaking out or using my boobs as a pacifer I’m ok with it. So don’t you dare go over there and try to “remedy” the issue. Your 2 second intervention will do nothing because its going to keep happening. BACKHAND SLAP!
Parenting Advice: Sleep when the baby sleeps
What a genius idea, sleep when the baby sleeps..huh? I wonder why I haven’t done that. OH YA!, I am not a robot with an off switch, and even if I was I need that time to shower, clean-up maybe even eat. SLAP SLAP SLAP!
Crying is good exercise for the baby’s lungs
You’re joking right. You gotta be, because that is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have every heard. Babies cry for a reason and it sure as hell isn’t for exercise. Crying it out is bad! Have you ever heard of survival instinct? That’s what they are doing, surviving, calling to their caregiver for food, shelter or love. That is what they are looking for you iron hearted troll! SLAPPED BY A DUNGEON TROLL!
Your baby will be spoiled if you pick them up all the time.
ok thanks, I’ll just leave them alone in their swing. Better yet, I have a dark creepy closet I can toss them into, that will make sure they really won’t be spoiled. KARATE SLAP!
Don’t eye contact with your baby if you need to settle them back to bed.
This is ridiculous. Honestly, what is that going to do? They can’t see you all of a sudden. If they are going to wake up, they will, eye contact or not. QUADRUPLE SLAP!
So thanks Aunt Mavis for the wonderful advice from the 1800s, tell me how much whiskey should I give them so sooth their teething? Thanks